Archive for May, 2007

Curious in KC writes, “Hi Mr. Know-It-All! I’ve got a question for you. And there actually ‘is’ a correct answer for the question. Here goes: Why? (I recieved this question in 8th grade, and it was an essay question. I did not get it right.)”

In answer to your question let me begin by using some examples. You’re wife asks you why you drink so much beer. It would be improper to say, “Because it helps me to forget about you!” Instead say, “Beer contains lipolithids and dirhyboflavanoids that help me to reduce my cholesterol count.” To which she would say, “Are you drunk?” Only for you to come back with “Drunk with love.”

That will get them everytime. Call it, laying on the charm. Not convinced that is a good enough why answer? How about this example. Wife says, “Why don’t you buy me flowers anymore?” A knee jerk answer would be, “Why don’t you wear your cheerleader outfit anymore?” But the proper answer should be more like, “I don’t buy flowers, I grow flowers in the yard.” And procede to collect all of the yellow flowers that have been growing in the dirt patch by the side of the road. To which she replies, “Those aren’t flowers you grew those are weeds.” To which you reply, “Would you like a beer?”

I could go on but I’m sure you get the idea. Why questions are always tough but as long as you stop to think instead of giving a hasty answer, everything works itself out.

If you have a question and would like to Ask an Expert. Reply below with your best stumper and I will do my best to find you the right answer.

A reader, young Timmy, writes, “Explain Zubaz pants, and why Chiefs fans are still wearing them.”

For anyone who doesn’t know what Zubaz are, think of a fabric pattern from a pair of 70s golf pants and cross it with any number of animals living in the Serengeti. These pants are made out of some ultra thin t-shirt cotton, are incredibly comfortable, and easily hide unwanted stains. They are usually adorned with some crazy pattern and your favorite team’s logo. There was a great rhinestone shortage in ’96 as almost everone adorned their Zubaz. Now the more subdued zebra stripes are used to save the coveted rhinestone. If you are not wearing a pair you are not a true Chiefs fan. The bright colors are used to lure Raiders fans so a hasty restroom brawl can ensue. In answer to your question Timmy, the reason they are still being worn is for good luck…. and they hide a beer belly better than even sweats.

So I was jogging, which I try and do at least once a year, and I am rather enjoying the view at the park across from my house. It’s raining a little and there is this somber, calming atmosphere in what is usually a fairly busy park. As I turn a bend to go into a thick of trees, this chunky squirrel cuts me off and runs up a tree. “IDIOT SQUIRREL!”, I said, under my breath. Except I bet you know it didn’t quite come out that way. Well, I broke my pace but continued jogging.

I made the same turn after I made my way around the park and low and behold, someone had rewound and played back the exact same event before my eyes; same squirrel, same location, cutting me off and going up the same tree. The thing I noticed this time was that the squirrel had no ass hair. There was a bald patch of squirrel skin in the shape of two bulbous squirrel buttocks. Talk about a rough night. What that squirrel must have gone through. I can only guess that he had fallen asleep high up in a tree and another creature proceeded to gnaw off his squirrel butt hair in a fit of vengence. I wish I had a picture. I thought of it at the end of my jog and cracked myself up. I had to share.

I am pretty much an expert in a small area of every subject. Feel free to ask me any question you like in the comments area below and I will do my best to give you an accurate and honest answer. Better than Google. Better than Ask Jeeves. And you have the piece of mind knowing you are getting the best information from a real live person. So ask away.